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January 16, 2009 / consciousness

the beast reawakens

back again. Didnt think i would need this. i havent used it in the last half year but suddenly i amvery thankful i never deleted this blog.
i was just browsing some of my own old comments and stumbled accross one of the last ones i wrote.

I was saying not much willl change. weeeell i think i will have to correct myself here. just about everything has changed. iv’e completeley reinvented myself, without knowing it.
the road behind me has been interesting and the one infront becomes clearer by the day. (unlike the weather here in berlin, one day swallowed up by fog, it looked like the earth and the sky had melted into one mass of grey. the ground slowly dissolving into the air. the sound of my feet slushing through the melting snow gets swallowed before they even reach my ears. my mind is too ocupied with numbers and rationality to soak up the beauty that this surreal landscape holds for me. only now sitting in my dark room i realize what a mystic day it has been. thats probably why i startedup this blog again. seems like something inside wanted to get out again. there’s always a child in every man. mine just clawed its way through to the surface, struggling against the onstorm of rationality breaking into my mind.

i am amazed of the amount of things i have lost within the last 10 months. not phisically speaking (i always double check if i have my keys and wallet on me) but in a sense of were am i and how do i define myself.

this leads to an interesting question:

How dou you define yourself?

at some time it was the people i knew
at some time it seemed that music was true
then it was the thoughts i had,
that kept flittering around, scattered and alone in my head

at some time it was the love that burned within
but that flame has whisped out and grown so thin
recently it was the job i do
but that doesnt fill me or make you you

so here i stand thinking WHAT makes me me
and what does it take for me just to be me?
where the road goes i dont seem to know
will i find what it takes somewhere below?
will i turn out in the end then being me
or will i just sadly be?
-Jan 2009

(Not very complex poem or anything but keeping in the tradition with Dr. Suess, “Oh the places you’ll go”)

oh and also posted here


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