the drill (or death by shopping)
“pass me another… no make it a double.” espresso that is. the days drone on, much the same these days (with the few exceptions of life thrown in between). i found my digital camera and realized that i still had my memory card from last summer in there. the camera decided to die on me. it just quit. stopped. wouldn’t even retract the lens any more. since then i have been too busted to get a new one. they wanted to charge me 59 € just for having a look at it. thats going to be the price that i will charge from now on to look at anything, especially when i’m on a shopping tour with a lady.
she: “hey how do you think this looks? does it make me look fat?”
me: “pay first and then I’ll tell ya!”
good way to make fast money ey? isnt it interesting how the opinion of men and women differ once its all about clothes and shopping? my typical answer for any question concerning the look of any garment covering a lady is, “ok”. that is the highest degree of praise one can expect from me for a piece of skimpy cloth covering just the minimum amount of skin, so they wont stick you in jail for public disturbance. somehow this never pleases the woman who i am accompanying on their delightful afternoon of watching me slowly turn insane. the “ok” is never enough. it always leads to another eye-rolling moment and a disgusted grunt for my lack of understanding the importance of the situation. but who would believe me if i’d jump up suddenly and shout: “that’s it!! it’s the piece of cloth that your skin has wanted to come in contact with your entire life!! it makes you so handsome i could claw out my eyes!!” not very convincing is it?
better yet, i love the question “does it make me look fat?” what, that piece of cloth thats so thin i wouldn’t even consider using it as a handkerchief? fact is, its not the piece of cloth that would make you fat (even if she was, which by all given standards she isnt) its the food you put into you that does.
its just like putting race stripes on a mini cooper wont make it go any faster, but injecting it with a decent amount of NOS would. do i sound frustrated? nooo way…
oh my personal tip of the day: whatever you do never, i repeat NEVER EVER EVER go shoe shopping with a woman. you’ve served your time in iraq? well thats nothing compared to the torment you will have to suffer…