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October 20, 2007 / consciousness

blocked

i cant write anymore. something is blocking my brain. not just this blog (i have about 16 unpublished and half finished posts waiting for their final touch), there’s also my paper that i should be working on. half way through i stopped and cant get back into it.

have to get a grip, get things sorted.

just came back from a party… well you could call it that, but it was more depressing than anything else. i met most of my teenage clique. we were really close once, but now there are worlds between us. i used to sit with some most of those guys in the park, smoking away and having a beer and talking about everything, life, girls, the usual bs.
i changed. i know i did. if i would run across myself eight years ago, i would hate myself. i embody all that i never wanted to be and depressingly i like it that way. now what was worse was seeing that the people i knew havent changed in the last ten years. they still think and act the same way!! how can you do that? not move on? progress? the goals they had; i couldnt believe it!! they never moved far from where they were born!! the world is big and offers us so much! yet still, their thoughts simed so micro, so condensed and well boring. no great plans, that struck me with wonder, just boredom and no perspectives! i dont want to be stuck in the same place for the rest of my life… another one and a half years and i’ll be gone! where? i dont know,actually i dont care. i just have to get out, leave this rotten and disgusting hole (that goes by the name Berlin) behind me and move on… get away, leave it all behind and start new. throw my mobile and my laptop into the ocean, drown out all of the past and go on to greener pastures. i am sure there are better things in life meant for me. i will get them. i will get there…

worse still was the location. it completeley ripped out parts of my heart. i had this wound that healed nicely and i completely forgot about it, but yesterday someone ripped it open again, digging into the tender flesh, bringing forth new blood.
i stand on the balcony, watching the smoke of my cigarette rise, looking over the park.
i new that on the other side of this park there was a person whom i so desperatley longed to see. questions unanswered, long forgotten, swell up in me bringing forth emotions that i dealt with quite a while ago.
the cigarette burnss down, the cold wind cuts into my face, extinguishing the last glow in the ashes.
a puzzle of such great delicacy spreads out infront of me. i never put the peices together. i try to see what the puzzle should once represent, but there are too many parts missing. i normaly dont give up easily. i did this time. i shut up for once and left. i cut off all memories that remained. i promised myself that i would forget. but every time, every DAMNED time when i try to find something new, i end up in the past. every step forward takes me two steps back.
i drop the cigarette but over the banister and watch it tumble to the ground.
what do i have to do to forget? cut out the part of my brain if you must! take away all the memories, just let me push forward, i need to feel, i need to live again!
too dark to see where it lands. of course it didnt make a sound, too small too insignificant. the cold crawls into my bones freezing me from the inside.

i’ll leave this city tomorrow, leave the grey, the dark and head for a small light in the distance, hoping to find salvation there. i cant see the light at the end of the tunnel, but i know it is somewhere out there waiting. waiting for me, giving me new strength. dont let me blow it out. i dont want to extinguish the only hope that i have. i need to cherish it, help it grow, but i’m out of matches. ill have to spend some time looking for a lighter to rekindle a fire that has been dead for too many lonley nights…

-rmt

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