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May 1, 2007 / consciousness

the enlightenment

just quickly need to clear my mind again. make room for something else. i had about three hours sleep all in all during the last four days, so i’m not quite sure about what is real and what isn’t at the moment. i feel like i am stuck in some avalanche which is dragging me forward. i seem to have lost control of the direction in which i apparently am heading. now don’t get me wrong, this is definitely not bad, all this momentum is bound to lead to something and i am enjoying every moment on top of the wave. well basically i am having the time of my life. ok i might be neglecting my studies a bit bit hey, everybody needs a break right? now having hacked my way through theories by Marx, Hegel, Tolstoy or E. P. Thompson, all which were concerned with what history or historicism is and if there is such a thing as determinism that pushes us onwards. is there a supreme being, is there a “invisible hand” (Adam Smith) that controls us?

sitting at the pc and looking back on the past few weeks i feel that some of the older the deterministic theories make more sense to me. as mentioned above, all this momentum has to come from somewhere. i am sure it isn’t an intrinsic creation, there are too many external factors that interact here and force me into forming and making decisions that are way beyond reason. Hegel states, that “[individuals]are a matter of indifference to world history, which uses individuals only as instruments to further its own progress.” so i live in a form of secularised predestination. hm… sounds sort of what i feel like. all choices seem to be interlinked, there is not one choice i make on my own, there are a series of chance and choice leading up to the present moment.

none of the recent occasions makes sense to me. they are all more or less on an emotional level, so quoting myself: “reasons stop where emotions start.” and yes, they are all (or mostly) concerned with girls. what an amazing fact, as if you didn’t see this coming. i thought that at the age of 24 years i would be stuck in a slightly conservative/depressive resignational phase, but to my amazement, i realized that that was complete and utter, please excuse my language; bullshit!! this aforesaid momentum flooded me pretty much on my birthday. well more or less two to three days later. something broke. that was good and about time. i didn’t have time to contemplate my misery for within the next six hours, all wounds were healed replaced by another feeling. amazing, once you scratch away the scar-tissue and look for the wound beneath and you suddenly find that you are looking at nicely freshly healed skin?? that seems about right. the wound had healed and was replaced by fresh new skin.

i like the feel of this new skin. its soft and silky, it has a touch of adventure and danger to it. i haven’t felt my fingertips tingle like this for quite some time. i feel free, i feel very mid-twentyish, i feel alive, there is something happening, normally you look back and you see the different chapters of your life, always retrospectively. but right now, i know i am writing ( or am i being written??) a new one. as Marx once said: “Men make their own history but they do not know that they are making it.”


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