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April 18, 2007 / consciousness

small moments of panic

Fictionalising the beginning


‘Whats so great about ones birthday? its the day that caused my mother quite some pain about 24 years ago. funny that my mother always was against me getting my eyebrow pierced or my back tattooed and came down on me with all hell, but then went through those few minutes of fun that she knew would cause her great pain about 9 months later and quite some heartache the next 24 years of her life.’

Funny what crosses your mind while youre looking at the bottom of your empty beer-glass and watch the last drops swirl around… I think this might be the wonderful sideffects of the alcohol mixing with the anti-cold medicine I took earlier along with some freaky herbal crap that a friend gave me. Sure it’ll help your cold. Sure its not just my cold its my entire bleedin’ head thats somewhere else now!! Rats. Great. Now how do i find a way out of my head and back into the discussion with the girl sitting opposite me? I can see her lips moving, I hear her voice but dont understand anything… this reminds me of the last time I tripped on space cookies. What a trip, but I’ll write about it another time, right now I’d like to get back to the table.The girl looks good, nice flowing hair, soft skin, deep eyes, how long have I known her?

I get up making a few bad excuses and head for the toilets. I look in the mirror and see some sort of grinning idiot staring back at me. Oh wait, I got the angle wrong. Yes sorry you can use the sink, no problem, have a nice day, sorry, um… right. Once alone I look at my face and splash some water on it. Cooling, better… now were were we? Oh right, getting my act together. Head back to the bar room and sit down somewhere. Have a chat here, a drink there, a short winky winky with the other girl, order another drink, watch the world rotate in a flash of colors and sounds. Drinks seem cheap, the discussion is slowly tilting into nonsense. The first people leave making room for the later guests, that stumble in from other partys and bars. “Yes,…,thank you, how nice! great… well then. ok…” Gotta love superficial chats. Need to get back to someone who is actually still making sense. Is it just me or is it them? I see a warm smile, a flutter of eyelashes… no, dont want to go there. What my glass is empty again? Well sorry Im just of to the bar… phew. Close one there. A strong one, make it a whiskey julep. Gotta love that one. Slowly the alcohol is pushing away the pressure in my head. Funny while I normally would be drunk at this stage I finally get a grip on myself. The room stops tilting, the sandy floor, the claustrophobic walls and ceiling back off and I breathe in deeply, take a big gulp from my drink. Fit now. I order another one and take both drinks back to the table, back to the girl, time for a nice chat. Dont think this will lead anywhere, but hey one has to stay sharp. Pass her the drink and dive into the past. Time to do some swimming…

to be continiued…


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